As women, we often find fear in the truth that we are all faulted, imperfect, and failures in some sense or another. We are scared to admit these things because at the very core of our being, we desire more deeply than anything to be accepted and loved. So we put on masks, say all the right things, and try to wear just the right clothes in hopes that those around us will overlook our flaws and see us as adequate.
Striving to reach this unattainable level of acceptance comes in many different forms. It may be perfectionist qualities in our jobs, in our relationships, in our appearance. We all want to be successful and loved, so we set out to control every aspect of a life in which we were never meant to.
For too long, my struggle was weight and self-image. I spent countless hours and numerous years engrossed in lies about what beautiful means and the ways to get there. I spiraled into a sickness that was born entirely out of my desire to control my body. My hope was to become the perfect size and in that become the best version of myself. I laid awake hungry too many nights to count. The saddest part of this season of my life was that I thought this was normal. I thought I deserved to be miserable, that life would be better when I was thinner. It was a dark season, but a period with perhaps more personal growth than any other. In our darkest times, God often shows up in the biggest ways.
The most valuable lesson I learned from all of this? That I was putting my life on hold. I thought life would begin when I was thinner, when my body was closer to perfect. But I was wrong. So very wrong. Life begins now, and new every morning, and every moment that we live adds to our story. My story of hurt and control was not the story the Lord had planned for my life. He wants me to be the leading character in a story of grace and happiness.
I have learned through this that I am going to fail. A lot. I am not perfect and I will certainly never be. I have learned that above the struggles and lies and fear, it is well with my soul. I am free in my imperfections because of the truths of One Man so many years ago that saved the world.
Jesus makes me worthy. In Him I find the only true source of strength. My faith in Him is what makes me beautiful. My trust in Him is what makes me worthy. Looking to Him is what makes me wise.
Looking back, it is all so very well with my soul.